:(

I’m sorry for the title of this blog.  There’s no other way I can express this.  If only I could paste my own face, then I would.
I’m so lonely and sad right now.  I might be depressed.

Something bad happened yesterday.  It was so sudden.
I was just reviewing for my International Exams when I heard my mama screaming for help!   I don’t want to narrate the story in detail because it hurts me more.
So to make the long story short, my stepfather had his second attack due to high blood pressure.   I was really in trauma when I heard my mama almost crying for help, hearing my neighbors…

I just didn’t know what to do so I just get inside in the house and just waiting for mama’s instructions, “get the spoon, face towel, shirt, fan…”  and I was just praying hard… so very hard.   I’m like crazy when I was praying.  I prayed for my stepfather’s safety, that he must be alive.   I even prayed like ” fail me to my exams Lord, just let my stepfather be alive”

And so God heard me.

My stepfather now is resting at home.   He can’t walk straight anymore and his mouth is like hanging, causing some speech problems.   I hope he’ll be fine soon.   He’s the breadwinner of the family.
I’m really upset and discouraged on what my mama told me.   She’s like pushing me to stop studying and find a job.   Plus, I got some sermons from my lola too.
So last night, I can’t sleep.   I’m crying while reading some notes for my international exams (supposed to be today).   It was the first time that I cried so hard that I wasn’t able to sleep.   I used to cry at nights before whenever there’s something bad happened, and that caused me to sleep because I got tired of crying.   You know what I mean?  Like when you cry, its like its easy for you to sleep afterwards.   But last night was different.   I was so bothered.   I was thinking a lot of things especially my future.   I was assuming of a dull future.   What if my stepfather dies? *knocks on wood   Can we survive?   What will happen to me? To my mama?    Hhhhuuuhhh.. enough of it!

So today, I’m supposed to have my international exam but I decided not to take it.  But I still went to school though.  I want the sched of my exams to be moved.  But the head in school said that its really impossible.  I’m studying but I guessed I can’t really concentrate.   I’m afraid I might get low score or I might fail for my scholarship contract.   I’m getting crazy.   I don’t know what to do.   So the exam-in-charge in school decided that I must not take my tests anymore because it might really affect on my performance.   And I’m starting to be pressured again because my scholarship contract is due now for a year .   And I’m really telling some entrusted people in school about my problem.   Thanks God for sending me angels in disguise.   They want to help me get a job, a part-time teacher.  And my contract?  They said they will extend it.   But I don’t know if I’ll be happy about it.   I want to finish studying now so that I can work and let my mama drowned in money!

Right now, I’m in school.  I don’t like to go home.   Its weakening.
I thought that 2005 is my year.   I had less trials compared to hell 2004!   I don’t expect that, what happened now is trying to squeeze in.

I don’t know how to end this.   I usually signed as “xoxo, fLofLo” but I can’t dare to give y’all my hugs and kisses.